Introduction

My name Charles Baran. Sortof.

Actually, for most of my childhood I thought of myself as Charles Murray. Its interesting how an identity can change. As far as I knew, my name /was/ Charles Murray. Actually, it was just the name I was enrolled in highschool as, by my biological father. My name was Charles Baran (my mothers maiden name) - as she had declined to list him as the father when I was born. Everyone had declined to inform me of this until it came time for me to attend college, and they insisted no Charles Murray had ever existed; all in the head of me, my family, and those whom had known me at highschool; a dream of my crazy demented father.

I was born on May 19th, 1983. The result of an 'out of wedlock' situation; not that I knew that until years after I had found out my name was false. As you can probably guess, I have a strange family; I won't get into that full story right now.

I have had many dreams in my life. My life has been defined by my dreams. When I was 4, I wanted to be like King Solomon. When I was 6, I wanted to be a Paladin like King Arthur. 7, I wanted to be like Encyclopedia Brown - a boy I had read of in a book. He read his entire local library and remembered everything, and used that knowledge to solve mysteries and help people. Ironically, I havn't done much to help people, but he is the figure from my life I have managed to emulate the most successfully; it is so easy to read. And I have read so very much. I don't even remember it all; its in there, somewhere - like spider webs in a dusty closet. I recall it at randomn times, triggered by things people say. My head is always full of facts, a mixture of the babble of others speaking around me with the memory of the endless multitude of books I have read.

Ironically, it is I who often babble. I talk too much. Perhaps because words have so very little to say. I would prefer to write everything if I could. The idea is preposterous of course, everyone with large scrolls and feather-ink pens scribing messages to each other all day instead of talking, but there it is - I would prefer such. Words are so sudden and incomplete. As I said, I talk too much.

In third grade I was systematically reading the elementary library. I was at the 'M' section - mythology. I had read of the so-called 'heroes of reknown, great men of old' - the greek myths and legends, other stories of other people. And then after that I got to P. Physics. The first book was entitled 'Quasars, Pulsars and Black Holes' You can get it from amazon.com for 1 cent today.

http://www.amazon.com/Quasars-Pulsars-Black-Frederic-Golden/dp/0684181436/sr=8-3/qid=1171454838/ref=sr_1_3/105-1262851-2583669?ie=UTF8&s=books


After that, I wanted only to see the universe and understand how it works. Such was my dream, though that dream took many forms over the years, the nature was consistant.

I am a person defined by his dreams. When I dream, I dream higher then most I know. Ambition is a part of me, as much as it seems my inevitable failure. I have many weaknesses. I have very little social skills - I often come across as rather annoying (I am actually slightly intimidated by socialization at times) I am easily frustrated by mathematics homework, an irony in a physics major.

But I am at a crossroads in my life, for I have dreamed my dream, but now that dream is gone from me. I have no hope of getting into graduate school for physics; I have no research experience and a poor gpa. I am not certain I would succeed even if I did. I have no other dream with which to replace it. I have withdrawn from what little social life I had - in truth, I had little to begin with. I am disillusioned with myself and with others. The world, as a child; was a bright and shining place with infinite horizons of grace and learning, where one could become anything.

But it is not so. And yet I am a person defined by his dreams, and thus I am now without a definition for the first time in my life.

And so instead of dream I struggle. I work through my classes as best I can, turning my thoughts from far horizons to dreary futures, and contemplate my options while wishing for my dreams.